By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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