Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
