Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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