If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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