i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
