i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
