He asked me if I "almost moaned"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
