so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
