why didn't you poke me back
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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