There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
