So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Houston, we have a squirter
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
