I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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