Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
it's great music for shaving your balls
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
