and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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