her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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