That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
