ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
