why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
