mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
