Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
