I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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