I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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