My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
