you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
