u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
