She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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