I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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