I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
