What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
