hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
