he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
