Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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