i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
