It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She tied me up with her honor cords...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
