Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
