You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
