She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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