Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
