I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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