He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
