Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
