I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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