Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
