I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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