Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
