we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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