I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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