i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
