you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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