Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
